Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
