I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
