dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
