Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
