i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
