This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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