While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Randomize
