That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
