I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
