The maid of honor just puked.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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