Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
