She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize