I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
