Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
