My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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