Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
