why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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