you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
