i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you mean i was at the winter classic?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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