there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
