therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
