Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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