i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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