You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
They have beer where we have blood.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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