my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I could have mohawked her pubes.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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