I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
