i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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