I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
