My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
this boner is exhausting
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
