Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
