Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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