This is not my ceiling
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
