Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My bed smells like the plague
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
