I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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