I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
