Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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