dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
