is your mom at the bar?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
