college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
