Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize