I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
