Apparently you make a good broom.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
