someone get that fucking seahorse.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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