Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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