That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
