the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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