last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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