So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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