tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
