twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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