So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
