Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
