Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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