Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
