I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
