saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
