Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
